Just Me · Mum Life · Spouse Life

A Touchy Subject….

I’ve been deliberating posting this for a while now, it’s been wrote out and just been sat in my drafts until I finally felt it was the right time to post. 

I want another baby. Sounds simple and easy when you put it like that. Your probably sat there thinking well why not ? That’s were it becomes a little more complicated. I have my daughter from a previous relationship and my partner has his from a previous relationship.

When we first met ( 3 nearly 4 years ago) we both had a talk about having more children and we both had said the same thing. Neither of us wanted any more children, me because of the drama and difficulties around my pregnancy and labour with Poppy. Him because well he just didn’t want anymore, and whilst this was a good enough reason for me at the time lately it hasn’t been so.

I honestly did not want any more children and though friends around me were having babies the thought of having another really didn’t cross my mind, until just under 2 year ago now. I remember saying to Dan how I wanted another and we talked and he agreed, so I came off my contraception as I was on the injection and knew it could possibly take a while and started to feel excited about the future ahead and having another child.

Until one night literally out of the blue a few months later, Daniel announced he infact didn’t want anymore children and he should of said this when we talked about it a few months ago but he didn’t know how to say it without hurting me, and whilst the thought was there he had caused more upset by lying that he did and getting my hopes up as it was. I remember just replying ok and being really silent and shocked, I told him I needed time to process and think about what he had said before actually talking to him about it.

So a few days later I sat him down, and I bet he felt he was being interrogated but I just had to know why? Why he didn’t want any more children? Why did he say he did? Did he think I wasn’t good enough to have a baby with ? All sorts of questions, some he couldn’t answer others he could.

In the end it came down to either splitting up and going our separate ways or staying together and working through it but ultimately he didn’t want any more children. To some this may of been an easy decision they wanted a baby so they’d find someone who wanted one also, but for me it wasn’t that easy. I love this man and could see us spending the rest of our lives (although god help me) I wasn’t willing just to throw it all away.

This of course led to a tricky few weeks, were nearly every argument seemed to revert back to this touchy subject and everything Daniel did seemed to just set me off and I just didnt want to be around him, which sounds really harsh and I can only imagine how it made Daniel feel, but selfishly I was only thinking about myself.

In my eyes he wasn’t suffering at all, he hadn’t had another chance of motherhood robbed from him as strongly as that sounds that is how it felt for me. I was 24 and effectively being told you can’t have no more children. I know this is in no comparison to women who have been told this due to medical reasons, but that is truly how I felt. He could carry on his life as normal and wasn’t affected in any way I thought. But thinking back now I suppose he felt emotions about this subject but on a different level, I had told him I weren’t sure if we could be together and I needed time to think, and this did take me a while so for him his relationship was in the balance, he was probably walking round thinking he could lose his family any day now. So I can only apologise for making him feel a certain way.

We really had to work and talk through things and try to help the other understand the others point of view and feelings, and that has taken some time. The feelings that stir that come from seeing a new baby or a pregnant lady are sometimes hard to ignore, or when a period is a little late I dont deny that little bit of hope appears but I cannot force something on someone that they just do not want.

Daniel has told me if it was to happen it would happen. As we are both believers in everything happens for a reason.

“Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera”

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